


die another day

by schoolboys



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 07:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2765534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schoolboys/pseuds/schoolboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>mclaren's tooned!verse: where james is a secret agent, niki is loudfinger, and jenson "i wasn't born in the 70s" button uncovers a secret he wishes he had never known. (based on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YyX4Ogj8OA">this fantastic episode of tooned</a>.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	die another day

**1976, Monte Carlo, Monaco**

The Monaco Grand Prix is well under way when James gets a message from the team on the radio. Well, not exactly from the team per se, but from someone who is Important Enough.

'James! You're needed on a mission!'

'There's a race going on, dear boy. Can't this wait fifty seven laps?'

'I'm afraid not. An evil mastermind has stolen a precious microfilm. Your mission is to track it down!'

 

Unbeknownst to most people, there is actually an escape route in the tunnel of the Monaco Grand Prix. This is how it plays out (most predictably): James gets into a high speed chase with a couple of hench mechanics, the indicator on the tracking device he has been given keeps changing routes and he winds up at a casino but the Evil Mastermind is nowhere in sight. Then again, who knows how Evil Masterminds look like? He has to get back to Monaco soon because there is a race for him to complete after all, but maybe... He stops at the roulette table, and flashes a grin at the beautiful woman who shows up by his side.

'Maybe I'll get lucky tonight,' James says, eyeing the numbers on the table. It is almost as if the red number one is glowing, and he swallows hard.

'Looks like your luck's run out,' the woman drawls.

 

'Looking for this, Mr. Hunt? The film and the race are mine. But at least you will have one last _hot lap_.'

James' memories of what has just transpired are hazy at best, but right now, he knows that he is well and truly screwed. He looks down and there is a red hot laser going in between his legs. He struggles against the shackles but they hold fast. Instead, his buttons come loose and his medallion comes free, sliding down to his thighs to save him from his potentially disastrous fate. The laser bounces off the medallion and helps to free him in a stroke of remarkably good fortune.

'Phew! Thought I'd almost lost my helmet.'

James catches sight of his medallion lying on the floor, it reads _Eggs: Breakfast of Champions_ and he could have sworn it had been sex and not eggs when he had gotten it. He definitely needs to have a word with the Professor about meddling with his things without permission when he gets back, god only knows how much he keeps going on and on about how his lifestyle is the absolute worst and whatnot. But for now, there is a race James has to return to. He snatches his helmet out of the hands of one of Loudfinger's henchwomen, promptly running forward, crashing into the glass, tumbling out of Loudfinger's lair.

 

There is one last thing for James to do, and that is to recover the microfilm that Loudfinger had stolen. It is easy enough, really, now that he knows Loudfinger's true identity. Niki Lauda, his rival for the world championship. How could he have been so blind? What James does not expect, however, is to accidentally press the ejector button on his seat, and both him and his car end up toppling into the water, gifting Niki with a win.

 

**1976, England**

It is a warm, sticky summer and James finds himself lying on the sofa, bare chested, cigarette in between his lips. The windows of his flat are left open, he takes a long drag from his cigarette before blowing out a puff of smoke.

'You're still here,' James says, eyes narrowing, staring at the figure in his doorway. The man is bathed in sunlight, and James squints, propping himself up with his elbows. 'Don't you have somewhere else to be?'

'I do,' Niki answers.

'You always do, Loudfinger,' James murmurs, bringing his cigarette to his lips.

'Fucking stupid name,' Niki huffs, and James does not bother biting back a laugh.

'I didn't come up with that,' James says, eyes crinkling as he grins.

'Hunt. James Hunt,' Niki sneers, eyeing James pointedly. 'Who do you think you are?'

'I am who I am,' James answers, shrugging. His movements are graceful in their own way, even if it is nothing more than the roll of his shoulders. 'And you are _Loudfinger_ ,' he says, before bursting into laughter.

'Arsehole,' Niki says, but there is no heat in his voice. He walks towards James and James looks up at him, as if challenging him to come closer, and Niki gives him a wry smile.

'Stopping so soon?' James asks. He sucks in more smoke, limbs sprawled all over the sofa with the smile of a contented house cat on his face.

'You got the microfilm back,' Niki says, changing the subject.

'Meant anything to you, dear boy?'

Niki gives James a thin smile. 'You didn't look at it.'

'No,' James replies. The smile on Niki's face vanishes, and he turns to leave. James frowns. 'Should I have?'

'No,' Niki says without turning back.

 

**2013, McLaren Headquarters, Woking**

'So you watched James Hunt and Niki Lauda race?' Sergio asks.

He is sitting in a dusty storeroom sorting through microfilms, trying to locate the exact one Professor M had asked for, while Jenson stands on a ladder, trying to take a particularly heavy carton off the shelf.

'Oh yes, I was at Brands Hatch in 1976,' Jenson answers drily. He manages to tug the carton loose, and nearly topples over.

'How was it like?'

'One wonders,' Jenson says, letting go of the carton, wincing when it hits the ground with a loud thud. 'I wasn't even born then.'

'Oh,' Sergio says, sounding disappointed.

'Chaps! Have you found the microfilm?' Professor M's voice rings out and Jenson sighs.

'Not yet!' Sergio calls out, scribbling _Not This One_ on his carton.

'We're drivers, not a search party!' Jenson adds, but there is no reply.

 

Three hours later, Jenson sits alone in front of a microfilm reader with a reel of microfilm in his hand.

 _We'll always have Monaco_ is written in neat cursive script and Jenson frowns. Professor M had been eager to prove that the Random Scotsman had been lying through his teeth at the McLaren Presentation about their 50th anniversary, but now that he has located the microfilm labelled MP19-76... He looks around, Sergio will not be back until a little while later, and the Professor is probably out for tea, so he supposes that he _would_ be safe if he just took a peek at what sort of secrets the microfilm held. Just one peek. Nothing more. He powers up the reader and pops the microfilm in.

Images fill the screen and the figures look vaguely familiar. They are caught in each other's embrace, in various stages of undress and... Oh. _Oh_.

Jenson is pretty sure that he will never be heading anywhere near the Mercedes garage ever again for fear of coming face to face with Niki Lauda.

 

'Did you find the microfilm?' Professor M asks, hands on his hips. He looks at Jenson and Sergio with narrowed eyes, and Sergio gives him a sheepish sort of smile, while Jenson merely shrugs.

'Are you sure it existed?' Jenson asks. The incriminating reel of microfilm is stuffed in one of the boxes that Sergio had labelled as _Not This One_ , and is high up on the shelf, far out of anyone's reach.

'I knew it, he was lying all along!' Professor M crows with a smug grin on his face.

Jenson laughs weakly, hoping that for the good of humankind, no one will ever look at that microfilm ever again.


End file.
